I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
