i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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