True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
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She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
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I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life