trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
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I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.