i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.