By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".