I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
