Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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