ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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