UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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