I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
