His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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