I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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