I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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