I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
