why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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