youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
