Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
