Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
