How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
