sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
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just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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