God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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