Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
