please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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