Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
