Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
