I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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