Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
