I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
birth control should be required to get into college
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
we should paint friendship bongs
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