so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
