Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
