I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
