Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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