Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
