Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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