Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
