I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just want to make out with him forever
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
