Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
