Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
