there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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