ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
