if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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