3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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