I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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