the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
