You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
