Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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