what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
