she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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