I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
