I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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