Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
