note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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