What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
