Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
