remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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