I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
