I wish I could teleport
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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