Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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