I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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