If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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